Terror in Tights Read online

  For my brother Mike

  —G. T.

  For my brother Abel

  —R. M.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  1 - A HIGH-TECH THREAT

  2 - THE PARTNER IN UNCRlME COMES UNDONE–AND UNGLUED

  3 - HOLY BAD POETRY!

  4 - IFITSTHELASTTHINGIDO.PEW

  5 - CANDACE AND MELVIN PUT THEIR HEADS TOGETHER

  6 - MEANWHILE …

  7 - HUGO’S ADVICE

  8 - LIQUID BOLOGNA?

  9 - THINGS GET BACK TO NORMAL … OR DO THEY?

  10 - INFLATABLE LAIR?

  11 - THE TRAP

  12 - THE FAKE DAMSEL

  13 - CANDACE BRINKWATER GOES AWOL

  14 - OOPS! CANDACE FORGETS SOMETHING

  15 - WHO IS MEGA BICEPS?

  16 - MEANWHILE …

  17 - DOUBLE MEANWHILE …

  18 - CARL’S DEVIOUS AND SINISTER PLAN

  19 - CANDACE BRINKWATER’S SUPER EARS

  20 - THE JUDGE THROWS THE BOOK AT CARL

  DOG OF CONSTANT SORROW - LYRICS BY CANDACE BRlNKWATER

  WHO IS CARL?

  SKETCHBOOK OF TERROR

  THE FAKE CAPE CAPER

  Copyright Page

  1

  A HIGH-TECH THREAT

  Superhero Melvin Beederman was just minding his own business, doing what he did second-best. What he did best, of course, was save the world, chase down bad guys, and make the city of Los Angeles a better place to live. But he wasn’t doing that. He was doing his second-best activity—hanging out in his tree house hideout, eating pretzels with his pet rat Hugo, and watching his favorite TV show, The Adventures of Thunderman. Thunderman and his assistant Thunder Thighs also saved the world. In every single episode. Watching them always inspired Melvin to do his job a little better.

  When the show was over, Melvin decided to check his e-mail before starting his day. “I think I’ll go save the world,” he said to Hugo.

  “Squeak,” Hugo said in reply.

  This either meant “You do that, kind sir,” or maybe “Do you want to have a push-up contest?” Melvin was never sure what Hugo was saying. Though he had once been fluent in gerbil, talking to a rat was another story.

  He turned on his computer and found only one e-mail waiting for him. But it was a doozy.

  I’m coming to get you, Melvin Beederman. Don’t try hiding. I know all your tricks and your weaknesses. And when I find you, you’ll be toast! Smashed-beneath-my-feet toast.

  Your loving enemy,

  SC

  PS. Consider yourself doomed!

  SC? Melvin didn’t know any SC. He caught bad guys for a living, so there were plenty of people who wanted revenge. But who was SC? Melvin thought over some of his recent battles. Joe the Bad Guy? No, wrong initials. The McNasty Brothers? Nope, couldn’t be.

  Melvin looked at the return address [email protected] for a clue.

  “Holy mystery!” Melvin said out loud. “This ain’t good.”

  Holy mystery, indeed! It wasn’t (narrators never say “ain’t”).

  There was only one thing to do, Melvin decided. He had to talk it over with his partner in uncrime, Candace Brinkwater. He always felt better talking to Candace. Unlike Melvin, who was an orphan and had graduated from the Superhero Academy, Candace lived in a normal house with her family. She was not from the academy. She was just a girl with whom Melvin had divided his cape. As they say, two superheroes are better than one. And Los Angeles was happy to have both of them.

  “See you later, Hugo,” Melvin said as he moved to the door of the tree house.

  “Squeak,” Hugo replied, which either meant “Go get ’em, tiger!” or “How do you spell kumquat?”

  Melvin wasn’t sure. And right now he was too distracted to think about it. Someone was out to get him, and he had to find out who.

  “Up, up, and away,” he said as he jumped out the door.

  Crash! He hit the ground hard.

  That was the thing about Melvin Beederman. He hardly ever got off the ground in one try.

  He brushed himself off and tried again. “Up, up, and away.”

  Splat!

  And again. Thud!

  Once more. Kabonk!

  On the fifth try he was up and flying. He flew over the city toward Candace Brinkwater’s house. As he flew, he looked down at the people of Los Angeles. Melvin didn’t know how to turn off his x-ray vision, so instead of seeing people dressed for work, he saw them in their underwear. Hundreds of them. Thousands. Disgusting, he said to himself. Too disgusting for words. It was even too disgusting for punctuation!

  See? That didn’t help at all.

  2

  THE PARTNER IN UNCRlME COMES UNDONE–AND UNGLUED

  While Melvin was busy having his life threatened by whoever was at [email protected], Candace Brinkwater was having problems of her own.

  What were they, you ask? Well, for one thing she had a math test coming up, and math was her worst subject. For another thing, there were at least seven former bullies at her school who were now forced to be good because they had a superhero keeping them in line—and they didn’t like it at all. But these were small problems in Candace’s eyes. There was something much bigger.

  Smedley was dead. Candace’s beloved dog Smedley, who she sometimes called Smed for short, was dead. “Holy pet cemetery!” she said. “This is bad news.”

  Holy pet cemetery, indeed! It was.

  With Smedley gone to that big doghouse in the sky, Candace didn’t feel like doing anything. She didn’t clean her room. She didn’t do her homework. She didn’t even do her nightly one-arm push-ups—500 each arm. She just sat around and moped.

  “Maybe you can get another dog,” her mother suggested.

  Candace, of course, didn’t want another dog. Smedley was a hard act to follow, especially when he was chasing his tail. He’d always been there for her, when she was struggling with math or when she came home after a long day of saving the world with her partner in uncrime, Melvin Beederman.

  The morning after Smedley had died, Candace was still in mope mode.

  “Hurry, Candace, you’ll be late for school,” her mother said.

  Candace did as her mother told her. But she didn’t fly to school that morning like she usually did. She was too upset for that. She walked instead. It was the first time she’d walked since becoming a superhero, and it felt strange. She thought back to how she’d come across Melvin Beederman’s cape after a mix-up at the dry cleaners, and how lucky she was that he’d decided to divide the cape with her. They had been partners in uncrime ever since.

  Only now she didn’t feel like being a partner in anything. And she was certainly in no mood to save the world.

  The other kids at school were surprised to see Candace walking to class. Wasn’t this the girl who had run the hundred-yard dash in three and a half seconds? Hadn’t she scored 500 points in a single basketball game? She was the only third-grader who could fly, for goodness’ sakes! And here she was walking. Just walking.

  The school bullies were the first to notice that Candace was not herself. Usually they had to behave themselves when she was around, but today she seemed distracted.

  “Now’s our chance,” Johnny Fink said to his best friend, Knucklehead Wilson. It was first recess, and Johnny and Knucklehead were standing under the goalposts, their usual spot. “Go punch a second-grader, Knucklehead, and report back to me.”

  “Candace Brinkwater is right there. She’ll see me.”

  “She’s different today,” Johnny said. “Trust me.”

  “You sure?” Knucklehead hated that a girl could get the best of him—and a third-grader at that. But when he looked over at
Candace, he saw what Johnny was talking about. She was walking on the soccer field with her head down. Maybe he could punch someone and get away with it. It had been so long—he wondered if he remembered how.

  He went over to a second-grader, checked to see if Candace was watching, then punched the kid. It all came back to him. “Just like riding a bike,” he said to himself. He punched the kid once more. It was nice to be a bully again, he thought. He had missed the old days.

  The second-grader squealed in pain, of course. But Candace did nothing.

  “See that?” Johnny said. “She doesn’t care. Gather all the other bullies, Knucklehead. We’re back in business!”

  3

  HOLY BAD POETRY!

  Melvin flew across town toward Candace Brinkwater’s house. Below him things were bustling as the whole city of Los Angeles came to life. Cars of every size and shape. People, too, for that matter. And underwear.

  “Ugh! Did you have to mention the underwear?”

  Sorry, Melvin.

  He was almost too distracted to notice the underwear. Almost. Once again, someone was out to get our superhero. And as Melvin flew, he kept remembering the bad guys he’d caught recently. Every one of them had reason to hate him, but none had the initials SC. None that he could think of anyway. Maybe it was Santa Claus. That was the only SC who came to mind. But no, he had been a good boy that year. Besides, he hadn’t gotten coal in his stocking. That was usually the first clue that Santa was peeved. If you got coal, you were in trouble.

  Melvin flew on and on, pausing only once to flex at his reflection in the windows of the tall buildings. Usually, he took his time with flexing, but today he had too much on his mind.

  “Who is SC?” he said out loud.

  Maybe Candace would have an idea. She was pretty terrible when it came to math, but she did have good ideas. “Gotta get to her before school,” Melvin said to himself.

  On most days, Melvin didn’t see Candace until after school, when they met at the library. This was so Melvin could help her with math. He tutored her in math and she helped him save the world. It was the perfect arrangement. It was only because of the threat that Melvin had decided to go to her house.

  He never made it.

  Suddenly a police siren screamed. Melvin glanced down and saw what looked like a chase. Bad guy—good guy. And Melvin was on the good-guy side. Talking to Candace would have to wait. Melvin raced to help.

  “Stop the car!” he told the driver as he swooped down on him.

  When the driver didn’t stop, Melvin stopped the car for him. Then he dumped the bad guys onto the street as the police pulled up.

  “Nice to have a superhero in town,” said one of the police officers.

  “Just doing my job,” said Melvin. This was part of the Superhero’s Code. And Melvin always kept to the code.

  He waited around until the bad guys were handcuffed and stuffed in the back of the patrol car, then he took off again.

  At least he tried to.

  “Up, up, and away.”

  Crash!

  Splat!

  Thud!

  Kabonk!

  Up and flying again on the fifth try. By the time Melvin reached Candace’s house, she was already in class. He would have to wait until after school to talk with her. And so he patrolled the skies and waited … .

  That afternoon he got to the library early and checked his e-mail on one of the computers.

  Roses are red,

  Violets are blue,

  I’m going to get you,

  If it’s the last thing I do.

  SC

  Another threat from whoever was at [email protected].

  “Holy bad poetry!” Melvin said. Everyone in the library shushed him, including the librarian—green underwear and all.

  Holy bad poetry, indeed! Melvin had no idea who it was or how the person knew his e-mail address. Hopefully, Candace Brinkwater would help him find the answer.

  4

  IFITSTHELASTTHINGIDO.PEW

  SC stands for Superhero Carl, of course. Only he was no longer a superhero. He’d had his cape taken from him because of his unsuperhero-like behavior. Ever since then, he’d spent his days thinking up devious and sinister ways to get back at Melvin Beederman. Sometimes devious, sometimes sinister—it was all the same to Carl. Just as long as Melvin suffered.

  He used the initials SC to confuse Melvin Beederman. Maybe he’d suspect Santa Claus. When Carl had had his cape taken from him for creating the unofficial Melvin Beederman Web site, which blabbed Melvin’s weakness around the world, he’d found himself stranded in Fiji. He was all alone, with no super powers to help him get back to America. He washed dishes at one of the hotels to make some money. And soon he was heading back to get his revenge.

  Carl was now a bad guy, as bad as they come. He even used words like nincompoop when addressing his own captain! Still, there was a part of him that missed his superhero days (even if they were unsuperhero-like). He missed stopping trains, outrunning speeding bullets, and bench-pressing Buicks. Most of all, he missed the respect.

  Here on the Good Ship Lollipop, where he signed on as a dishwasher, he was treated like dirt by the other crew members.

  “Hey, shorty, there’s a spot on my glass.”

  “Hey, shorty, clean this plate and make it snappy.”

  “Hey, shorty, you’re short!”

  He was. But what did they expect from a nine-year-old? Life was not much fun for the former Superhero Carl. And the worse his life became, the more he blamed his troubles on Melvin Beederman.

  “You’ll pay for this, Melvin,” Carl grumbled, “if it’s the last thing I do.”

  It was horrible to be a bad guy on a ship called Lollipop. He had wanted to cross the ocean on the Bad Ship Lemon Drop, but they already had a dishwasher. Lollipop … the name alone made it hard to be devious, let alone sinister.

  Carl worked long hours in the kitchen. Then he dragged himself to his room, which was in the belly of the ship. His only joy was the few minutes each day when he could send nasty e-mails to Melvin Beederman. He’d get his revenge. He was sure of it. But there was one thing he had to do to make it happen. He needed a cape, a real superhero’s cape. And he knew just where to get one: the Superhero Academy.

  He would steal one of the retired capes from the academy, along with a set of tights. He hated the thought of wearing someone else’s tights, but if they gave him the strength to choke the life out of his least-favorite superhero, then it was worth it. Carl lay on his bunk thinking about it. He smiled as he imagined Melvin’s doom. Then he began to sing.

  A bad guy with a song in his heart? What’s wrong with this picture?

  5

  CANDACE AND MELVIN PUT THEIR HEADS TOGETHER

  Melvin noticed that something was not right the moment Candace walked into the library for their afternoon math session. “What’s the matter?” he asked her.

  She tossed her backpack onto the table next to Melvin. “Smed is dead.”

  “Poor Smedley,” Melvin said. “I loved that little guy. He was the best tail chaser I’ve ever seen.”

  “Exactly. And he could howl at the moon like nobody’s business.”

  Melvin wasn’t so sure about that. His own father used to howl at the moon all the time. Sometimes he’d do duets with a local Doberman pinscher.

  “Sorry to hear about Smedley,” he told his partner in uncrime.

  “Thanks.” Candace grabbed her math book from her bag and flipped it open. “We’d better get started with my homework. Would it be okay if we didn’t save the world today? I’m a little down.”

  What? Not save the world? Had Candace Brinkwater lost her marbles?

  “Not save the world?” Melvin said. “Have you lost your marbles?”

  Candace gave Melvin a look. “I thought we weren’t going to repeat what the narrator says.”

  “Oh, sorry. Are you nuts? We have to save the world. It’s what we do. There are cries for
help every day in this town, and we have to live up to the Superhero’s Code.”

  The code was something Melvin had learned at the Superhero Academy. You can never say no to a cry for help, according to the code. The problem was Candace had not graduated from the academy. She didn’t know the code, and she didn’t care.

  “I don’t know the code, Melvin, and I don’t care.”

  “I thought we weren’t going to repeat what the narrator says.”

  “Oh, sorry. Code, shmode. Better?”

  “Much,” Melvin said.

  But not that much. Candace still didn’t want to save the world!

  Melvin decided to change the subject. “Someone’s out to get me, Candace.”

  “What else is new?” Candace said. “It’s part of the job, don’t you think? You put bad guys in jail and they want revenge.”

  He told her about the e-mails. “Do the initials SC mean anything to you?”

  “Hmm … maybe. Did you get a lump of coal in your stocking last Christmas?”

  “I’ve already thought of that. It’s not Santa Claus. He’s not the smash-beneath-his-feet type.”

  “Man, that would hurt—a fat guy like that stepping on you.”

  Melvin gave her a hard look. “It’s not Santa. Trust me. Who else do we know with those initials?”

  Candace thought this over, then shook her head. “I’m clueless.”

  So was Melvin.

  They finished Candace’s homework, and then launched themselves outside the library. Well, at least Candace did. Melvin joined her in the air a little later, after … uh … you know.

  “Don’t say a word,” Melvin told Candace as they zoomed across the sky.

  “Did I say anything?” Candace replied. “Sheesh, some superheroes. Let’s go save the world, Melvin.”