Invasion from Planet Dork Read online

  Holy can’t-make-up-his-mind, indeed! What a whiner! Aliens!

  Not only was it difficult for the three aliens to decide who to kidnap, it was even harder to agree on someone.

  “How about that one?” Shoe would suggest, pointing to a man on a bicycle.

  “Nah,” Monkey Wrench said. “Too fat.”

  “Nah,” Elbow said. “Too ugly.” This was one of Elbow’s pet peeves. He hated ugly humans. And ugly aliens, for that matter. But let’s be honest—Elbow himself wasn’t exactly a looker!

  “Or that one?”

  “Nah.”

  “Nah.”

  Everyone was too something. The aliens couldn’t agree on anyone. That is, until they wandered over to Lair Hill.

  “Look!” said Shoe. “Up in the sky.”

  “It’s a bird,” said Elbow.

  “It’s a plane,” added Monkey Wrench. “It’s … what is it?”

  It was Candace and Margaret, that’s what. And the aliens came to an agreement, right there on Bad Guy Boulevard, which runs into Sinister Street and parallel to Devious Drive. “Let’s capture them and get out of here,” Monkey Wrench said.

  “Yes, let’s,” said Elbow.

  “Immediately,” said Shoe. “Sooner if possible.”

  They set their phasers on STUN and pointed them at the two superheroes patrolling the skies above Lair Hill.

  ZAP!

  Candace and Margaret never knew what hit them. But they felt it.

  The question is, did they crash, splat, thud, or kabonk?

  You decide.

  6

  STINKY ALIEN FEET

  Melvin was confused—and no, he wasn’t working on a nasty math problem. He and James were flying above the Hollywood sign, looking for anything sinister or devious.

  “That’s funny,” Melvin said.

  “What is?” James asked.

  “I just heard something go splat, and I’m still flying.”

  “It sounded more like thud to me.”

  Melvin and James stopped and were hovering. They listened for more crashing sound effects—or kabonking ones. But all was quiet.

  “Maybe we should go and check on Candace and Margaret,” suggested Melvin.

  Yes, Melvin, stop having this mid-air conversation and get moving.

  Superheroes!

  And so Melvin and James stopped patrolling the air above the Hollywood sign and headed to Lair Hill. Little did they know that they were already too late.

  “What if something happened to them?” James said as they streaked across the sky. “What if we’re already too late?”

  James didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to repeat what the narrator said. He’d only been in a few Melvin Beederman books, while Melvin had been in, like, ALL of them.

  * * *

  While Melvin and James were hightailing it over to Lair Hill to check on the girls, Candace and Margaret were picking themselves up off the ground. Or at least they were trying to. They’d not only been shot out of the sky; they’d been stunned.

  “Can you move, Candace?” Margaret asked.

  “Only my mouth. Wait a second—my eyelids seem to be working.”

  “Poor Melvin. Now I know what it means to go splat.”

  “Don’t you mean thud?”

  “Whatever.”

  Yes, girls, whatever. Can’t you see those aliens coming your way?

  The aliens were getting closer and closer.

  “What do we do?” Candace asked, still unable to move.

  “Not sure,” Margaret replied. “My guess is we won’t be able to blink them to death.”

  Indeed they wouldn’t. There was nothing they could do but wait—and scream!

  “Shut them up,” Monkey Wrench said.

  He and the other aliens reached the girls and did just that. They gagged them, using Elbow’s socks. If you think humans have stinky feet, you should get a whiff of alien feet. Your nose will never be the same.

  But, of course, they didn’t gag the girls in time. Their screams still went forth and reached the ears of Melvin and James, who were racing to the rescue.

  The problem was, the aliens had a huge head start.

  7

  FOLLOW THAT SMELL!

  Melvin and James arrived at Lair Hill. The girls were nowhere in sight.

  They searched the area. There was no sign of Candace and Margaret. But something smelled terrible—worse than a rotting elephant on a hot day, worse than flaming cow poop, worse than school cafeteria food. Worse than—

  James suddenly dropped from the sky, holding his stomach.

  Melvin landed beside him. “What’s the matter with you?”

  “That narrator is grossing me out.”

  Melvin looked up and yelled, “Enough already!”

  Sorry, boys.

  “What should we do?” James asked.

  “Follow that smell.”

  James’s eyes began to water. “I was afraid you’d say that.”

  It was a good thing they had super-senstive noses. Okay, maybe it was a bad thing. Still, it helped them stay on track. The your-nose-will-never-be-the-same smell seemed to be leading them to the beach, which was fine with Melvin and James. They had heard about the twenty-five-foot waves. They’d also heard about people taking off early from work—including a certain narrator!

  * * *

  Meanwhile, the bad guys … uh … aliens arrived at the beach. “Does anyone know where we left the spaceship?” Shoe asked.

  “We’ll find it when we uncloak.” It was a rule on their planet that you had to uncloak before entering your vehicle. Actually, it wasn’t a rule; it just made it a lot easier to find the door.

  Monkey Wrench pulled out a remote control device and pressed a button. At the end of the street, their spaceship suddenly appeared.

  “There it is,” Elbow said. He and the others started in that direction.

  They weren’t the only ones who saw it. A group of beachgoers gathered around.

  “Holy spaceship-on-the-beach!” one man said. “This is awesome.” He was a surfer, and surfers always used words like “awesome.”

  Holy spaceship-on-the-beach, indeed! But it wasn’t all that awesome. It was a spaceship version of an economy car—30 million miles to the gallon.

  The aliens arrived, dragging the stunned superheroes. The onlookers were also stunned, but in a different way. “Hey, isn’t that Candace Brinkwater?” said the surfer. He’d seen her picture in the newspaper, along with Melvin Beederman’s photo.

  Candace, of course, couldn’t answer. She was gagged with an alien sock and was practically unconscious from the smell—and the taste.

  The aliens threw the girls inside. “Let’s get out of here,” said Monkey Wrench.

  “Yes, let’s,” said Elbow. “Immediately.”

  “Sooner if possible,” added Shoe. Earth was a nice place to visit, but he wouldn’t want to live there.

  8

  HOLY DISAPPEARING-SPACESHIP!

  “Not so fast!” Melvin said as he and James raced along city streets, following the nasty alien smell.

  “What do you mean?” James asked. “Don’t you want to find Margaret and Candace?”

  “Of course. I was just practicing what to say once we find them.” Most likely there were bad guys involved, and you had to say the right thing. It was part of the Superhero’s Code.

  It was a good thing that Melvin and James were as fast as a speeding bullet. They arrived at the beach just in time. Just in the nick of time, to be exact. They saw what looked liked aliens tossing Candace and Margaret into some kind of spaceship—an economy model, but still a spaceship.

  “So that’s what alien underwear looks like,” Melvin said. It was even more disgusting than human underwear. It smelled worse, too. Actually, it was the socks that smelled, but Melvin could not tell where the stink was coming from. He was too busy running as fast as a speeding bullet.

  The spaceship was surrounded by people who were saying things l
ike “awesome” and “gnarly.”

  Suddenly the spaceship vanished, which, of course, was really gnarly.

  “Holy disappearing-alien-spaceship!” Melvin said. “Where’d it go?”

  “It’s still there,” James said. “It’s just cloaked. Don’t you ever watch Star Trek?”

  Holy disappearing-alien-spaceship, indeed! Melvin was strictly an Adventures of Thunderman person. He wasn’t all that familiar with cloaking.

  “They cloaked because they’re getting ready to take off,” James said.

  Sure enough, right then they heard the engines roar to life.

  “Grab hold of something and hang on tight,” said Melvin.

  They did. They grabbed hold of the invisible spaceship and hung on just as it lifted from the ground.

  Before they knew it, they were moving at Gamma Speed and creating huge waves, leaving behind cries of “awesome” and “gnarly” as the surfers grabbed their boards and raced for the water.

  Gamma Speed was pretty darn fast. Melvin and James soon found themselves traveling through outer space.

  “Can I ask you something, Melvin?” James said.

  “Shoot.”

  “We’re in outer space, right?”

  “Yep.”

  “So how are we able to breathe?”

  Melvin looked at his friend. “The same way Superman does. Besides, haven’t you ever heard of suspension of disbelief?”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Let’s get on with the story.”

  Yes, boys, let’s.

  As the two superheroes sped along on the invisible spaceship, Melvin began to feel around for a seam in the metal surface, something he could pry open. What he found was even better—a door handle. At least it felt like one. In a few seconds the spaceship uncloaked. It was some kind of hatch, all right. Melvin tugged with all his might and ripped it from its hinges.

  He tossed it to the side. “James, follow me. I found a way in.”

  9

  ALIEN ROCK AND ROLL

  The spaceship was rocking. No, it wasn’t passing through an asteroid field. Elbow had cranked up the volume on the stereo, and now The Space Aliens—not the ones who kidnapped Candace and Margaret—were demonstrating the very latest in intergalactic rock and roll. They weren’t exactly The Grateful Fred, but what do you expect from a planet called Dork? Then again, they weren’t bad.

  It was a good thing that Elbow had turned up the music, because when Melvin ripped open the hatch, no one inside heard the noise. Not even Candace and Margaret. They were both pretty upset about being kidnapped and being gagged with smelly alien socks, but they both had to admit The Space Aliens had talent. In fact, Margaret was snapping her fingers.

  Candace saw this and realized that the stun gun had worn off. “Psst, Margaret, it’s time to make our move.”

  The problem was, of course, what move would they make? They were in outer space, for crying out loud! Neither of them knew how to fly a spaceship, or how to find Earth again. They were also inside some kind of glass cage with no door.

  “That’s weird,” Margaret said.

  “What is?” Candace asked.

  “We’re in this glass enclosure with no door. How are we able to breathe?”

  “Haven’t you ever heard of suspending your disbelief?”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Let’s get out of here.” Candace threw herself against the glass.

  Nothing happened. She kicked it. No change. She tried her famous karate chop. The glass stayed intact.

  “We’re in trouble,” Candace said with a worried look. “Those were three of my best moves.” She was an expert at breaking down doors and crashing through walls, but this time they didn’t work.

  “Two superheroes are better than one,” Margaret said, getting to her feet. “Let’s try it again. On three … THREE!”

  Two superheroes are indeed better than one, but in this case it wasn’t enough to break through the alien glass.

  “Now what?” Margaret asked.

  “I wish Melvin and James were here.”

  The boys, of course, were a few million miles closer than Candace thought.

  After ripping off the door and climbing inside the spaceship, Melvin and James found themselves in some kind of transition room. There were strange-looking space suits hanging on hooks. On the far wall there was a door with a window.

  Melvin crossed the room and peered through it. Then he carefully opened the door and stepped out, waving for James to follow. They stood in a long hallway with many doors. The music was loud and Melvin began snapping his fingers. He wondered if The Space Aliens ever toured Earth. They were almost as good as The Grateful Fred. Almost.

  “Now to find the girls,” Melvin said.

  They crept down the hall toward the music. And that’s when they smelled it—stinky alien feet! Someone, or something, was coming their way.

  “Quick!” Melvin said, pointing to the room they’d just come from. “Back in there—hide.”

  They sprinted down the hall to the transition room and closed the door behind them. The smell got worse—closer, stinkier, like a rotting alien corpse on a hot day, like moldy lunarfish sandwiches, like—

  “Enough already!” Melvin said.

  Some people have no patience for quality description.

  “Now what?” James asked.

  Melvin pointed to the space suits hanging on the wall. “There!” It was the only place to hide. They climbed into the suits … just in time. Just in the nick of time, to be exact.

  An alien face appeared in the window. Then the door swung open and there stood Monkey Wrench.

  Melvin held his breath. So did James.

  10

  ZAP!

  Melvin didn’t move a muscle. He peered out of the space-suit helmet, hoping Monkey Wrench wouldn’t look to the side, where Melvin was in plain view. So was James. Both superheroes stayed completely still.

  Monkey Wrench stood in the room a few minutes, examining the damage of the torn-off hatch. He shook his head, muttered something to himself, then turned and went back into the hall. When he closed the door behind him, Melvin and James heard it lock.

  They climbed out of the space suits. “Curses!” James said. “Now what?”

  Melvin gave him a look. “Curses? Only the bad guys say curses.”

  “I’m in outer space. I can’t think straight. What are we going to do? We’re locked in.”

  “We’re superheroes,” Melvin said. “Since when is a locked door a problem?”

  “Good point.”

  Melvin put an ear to the door, listening for any sign of the alien. James put his nose to the door for the same reason. The Space Aliens were still rocking out. Good, thought Melvin. No one will hear me rip the door open. Ripping doors open was almost as much fun as kicking them in.

  Almost.

  Melvin and James tiptoed down the hall and looked around the corner. No sign of any nonhumans. There was also no sign of Candace and Margaret. The boys kept moving forward, checking doors. Most of them were locked. There was no sense in breaking them down—yet—not until they located the girls.

  Melvin and James stopped suddenly. They heard voices.

  They were coming from the flight deck up ahead, or whatever you call the control room of a spaceship. Hey, maybe control room! Melvin and James peered in and saw three aliens. They’d seen the one called Monkey Wrench before. He was obviously the leader. He was barking out commands—and meowing a few.

  “Elbow, better go check on our captives,” he said. “Shoe, second star on the right, straight on till morning.”

  “Ahem,” Shoe said. “Wrong story, Monkey Wrench.”

  “Oops.”

  Elbow crossed the flight deck to an open doorway and looked inside. He returned and nodded. “They’re fine,” he said.

  Melvin pulled James back into the hallway. “I’m going to check on Candace and Margaret,” he whispered. “You stay and watch the aliens. Lea
rn anything you can about how they fly this ship. We’ll have to find our way back to Earth eventually.”

  James nodded. Back at the academy he had been a computer genius. And he was pretty decent at playing video games. If anyone could fly a spaceship, he could.

  The three aliens were looking out into space through the huge window that spanned the room. Melvin crawled behind them, army-style. He went through the open door and found the girls. They were inside some kind of glass cage. It had no door at all, no easy way to get in or out, it seemed.

  Melvin put a finger to his lips. He wondered why Candace hadn’t broken through yet. She was a master at kicking through walls. He placed his hands on the glass and felt around for a seam or a weak spot, but Candace shook her head and mouthed the words, Can’t break through.

  Maybe two superheroes couldn’t break through, but how about four? They’d need James. Melvin turned around to go get him. But James was already there. One of the aliens had tossed him into the room. He lay on the ground, staring up at Melvin, only his eyelids moving.

  ZAP!

  A second later Melvin found himself lying next to James, looking up at the ceiling. All he could do was blink.

  11

  FOUR SUPERHEROES ARE BETTER THAN TWO

  “Why can’t I move?” Melvin said, still staring at the ceiling.

  “Didn’t you hear that ZAP?” James replied. “Some kind of stun gun, I’m guessing.”

  Candace came over. “They captured us the same way. One minute we were patrolling the skies above Lair Hill, the next we were on the ground staring at the clouds. It will wear off soon. You’ll be good as new.”

  “Good as new, but still trapped,” Margaret said.

  “Any ideas on how to get out of here?”

  Melvin was unable to move, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t think. After all, he was known for his noggin power, his ability to think on his feet. He wasn’t exactly on his feet at the moment, but he was pretty sure he could do the job from his back.

  “You tried breaking through the glass?” Melvin asked.