The Curse of the Bologna Sandwich (Melvin Beederman, Superhero) Read online

  All the McNastys smelled bad. It had been part of their family history for centuries. And it was still going STRONG.

  Mr. McNasty smelled bad. Mrs. McNasty smelled bad. Even their goldfish smelled bad. If you ever see extra bubbles in their fish tank, you’d better run and not look back.

  So Filthy McNasty and his brother, Grunge, had a lot to live up to. And they did. They smelled worst of all. But this didn’t mean they were stupid.

  Stinky, yes. Stupid, no.

  Their lair was on the fifty-third floor of Grunion/Fig Building in the city. Not hideout—lair.

  “Get away from that window,” Grunge told his brother. Everybody thought Filthy was the leader of the gang. But really it was Grunge. He passed gas more often, too.

  “Don’t worry,” Filthy said. “Superhero Melvin can’t leap tall buildings, haven’t you heard? And I hear he lost a race to a bunch of junior high kids.”

  “Yeah, I hear he’s been having very bad days. He hasn’t been showing up just in the nick of time for anything. But get away from that window anyway. You can’t trust superheroes.”

  This was actually one of the laws of bad guys. Bad guys didn’t have a code, but they did have laws. Rules of thumb. For example, rule number one was “Be nasty at all times.” Rule number two was “Don’t trust superheroes.” You could get pretty far as a bad guy with those two rules alone.

  “Don’t worry,” Filthy said. He pointed to the computer on the desk. “We know everything we need to about Melvin Beederman.”

  Grunge was busy counting their loot.

  Not money—loot. If you withdraw cash from a bank, it’s called money. If you steal it, it’s called loot. And the McNastys had a lot of it.

  “I don’t know if I trust the Unofficial Melvin Beederman Web Site,” Grunge said.

  “You worry too much, Grunge. Whew! What’s that nasty smell?”

  “Hey, I’m a McNasty and proud of it,” Grunge said as Filthy fanned the air. Grunge had always been big on family, even his smelly one. Yes, the McNasty family traditions were still going STRONG!

  “Now for the last time, get away from that window.”

  Filthy did what his brother told him. Deep down he knew they didn’t have to worry. They were on the fifty-third floor, after all, and Melvin had a hard time getting up in the air. But just in case, Filthy had a secret weapon. “Melvin Beederman doesn’t have a chance,” he said himself.

  15

  “NOT SO FAST!”

  The crime-fighting team zoomed over the city. Down below, people cheered. Window cleaners, schoolchildren, a traffic cop named Fred.

  Superhero Melvin was back on the job, and this time he had a superhero assistant.

  Melvin and Candace flew to the police station, hovered in front of the chief’s window, and saluted. Then they did the same outside the mayor’s window.

  But now how to find the McNastys?

  They flew between very tall buildings and medium tall ones. Out to the beach. Up over the hillsides. Melvin pointed out his home.

  “You live in a tree house?” Candace asked.

  “Yep.”

  “You’re so lucky.”

  Back and forth they flew. Around the airport, over the harbor.

  Then they smelled something.

  “What is that nasty smell?” Candace asked.

  “You mean, what is that McNasty smell?” Melvin said.

  They looked at each other. “The McNasty Brothers!”

  Nobody but the McNastys could smell that bad. Melvin and Candace were downtown among the tall buildings, and they put their superhero noses to work. They sniffed around. Here a sniff, there a sniff, everywhere a sniff sniff.

  “Who said that?” Candace asked.

  “Who said what?”

  “Who said ‘sniff sniff’?”

  “The narrator. Ignore him. We have a job to do.”

  The stink was coming from the Grunion/Fig Building, of course. “They’re in there,” Melvin said. His nose was never wrong. Not only could he see through walls but he could smell through them, too.

  “Are you sure?” Candace asked. “Maybe it’s a dead elephant.”

  “You take the upper floors. I’ll search the lower ones,” Melvin commanded. He was the crime-fighting team leader. After all, he had graduated from the academy, while Candace had merely caught milk money thieves and a purse snatcher.

  Candace zoomed skyward. Melvin started on the ground floor and worked his way up.

  The building was deserted. Melvin moved down the dark hallways, kicking in doors and saying “Aha!” only to find the rooms empty. No sign of the McNasty Brothers. No sign of those notorious bank robbers and all-around bad guys.

  They have to be here, Melvin thought. That smell. It had to be Filthy and Grunge.

  Melvin kept moving, kept kicking in doors.

  And then he heard something, very faint, from one of the upper floors.

  “Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here.”

  Candace was in trouble!

  Melvin raced down the hallway and crashed through the window. Up and flying on the first try! He zoomed skyward, circling the building, scanning for his partner.

  “Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here.”

  He crashed through the window on the fifty-third floor, then crept down the hall. He stopped when he heard voices and laughter. He put his ear to a door and listened.

  “Having a little trouble, girlie? Where’s your pal, Melvin Beederman? We have a surprise for him.”

  Melvin kicked down the door. “Not so fast!” he said.

  There stood Filthy McNasty and his brother, Grunge. Why were they smiling?

  Candace was tied to a post, hands behind her back. Melvin moved forward.

  And then he saw it.…

  There was a bologna sandwich in front of her on the floor.

  He fell to his knees, gasping, “Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here.”

  “Tie him up, Filthy,” Grunge ordered.

  When Melvin was tied to the post, back-to-back with Candace, Grunge said, “Well, well, the famous Melvin Beederman. We know all about you from your Web site. Everything you’d ever want to know about Superhero Melvin … tall buildings, trains.” He pointed to the bologna sandwich. “And of course your weakness around a certain lunch meat.”

  “I don’t have a Web site,” Melvin said.

  Filthy pointed to the computer. “Yes, you do. Created someplace south of here, if I remember correctly. The Fiji Islands.”

  Carl! Melvin thought. It had to be Superhero Carl.

  He struggled to get loose, but he had no strength. He tried to remember what the code said. But there was nothing. It was the one thing they didn’t teach at the academy—what to do in the face of your weakness.

  Grunge said, “Here’s an interesting bit of news. They’re knocking this building down next week.”

  Melvin and Candace stared at him.

  “Yep, it’s true. A week from now this will be a pile of rubble. The world will never know what happened to Melvin Beederman and his superhero assistant.”

  “Her name is Candace,” Melvin said.

  “Whatever. Grab the loot, Filthy. Time to make our getaway.”

  * * *

  “What do we do?” Candace asked when they were alone. She pulled against the ropes, struggling to get free.

  The only thing going through Melvin’s head was Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here.

  He needed a plan.

  16

  YOUR BRAIN IS YOUR GREATEST WEAPON

  Noggin power. It was their only way out. Melvin had no strength to break the ropes that tied him to the post. He had to use his brain.

  “What are we going to do?” Candace asked again. She had no experience with this kind of stuff. She’d only caught a couple of milk money thieves and a purse snatcher. It was her first time up against notorious bank robbers and all-around bad guys. Besides,
noggin power wasn’t her thing. She hated word problems.

  “Think,” Melvin said to himself.

  Before them sat a foot-long bologna sandwich. Melvin grew weaker just looking at it. There must be a way out of this, he thought. The academy expected him to find the answer. Think, Melvin Beederman.

  He stared hard at the sandwich. And suddenly it came to him.

  Of course! Bologna was food. If he ate it and his body digested it, wouldn’t it no longer be a bologna sandwich? Didn’t the body convert all food into energy? And if it was no longer a bologna sandwich, couldn’t he snap the ropes like they were spaghetti?

  “I think I know a way out of this,” Melvin said to Candace.

  “How?” Candace asked.

  “We can eat the sandwich.”

  “Are you crazy?”

  “Trust me,” Melvin said. “I graduated at the top of my class. If we eat the sandwich it won’t be able to hurt us. It will no longer exist.”

  One thing he didn’t tell her: It could also kill them. Something that made them that weak on the outside might do even more damage if it was on the inside.

  But they had to take the chance.

  “It’s our only way out, Candace. This building is being knocked down soon. The McNastys were right. No one will ever know what happened to us. We can sit and wait to die, or we can do something about it.”

  Candace nodded. She had hated bologna even before she was a superhero, but it was the only way. “Let’s do it,” she said.

  It wasn’t easy with their hands tied. But they did it—they ate the bologna sandwich.

  Then they fainted.

  * * *

  “Are you okay, Melvin?” Candace asked sometime later.

  Melvin slowly sat up. He blinked a few times. “We’re alive! How do you feel, Candace?”

  “I’ll tell you in a second.” She snapped the ropes and stood up. “Great! I feel almost good enough to do math. Almost.”

  Melvin snapped his ropes and got to his feet. The plan had worked. The digested bologna didn’t kill them or even sap their strength. If anything, Melvin felt stronger than ever.

  As a test he karate-chopped the post they had been tied to. It splintered.

  “Time to catch those McNastys,” Melvin said.

  “Those notorious bank robbers and all-around bad guys,” Candace added, kicking out one of the windows. “After you, boss.”

  “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll take the stairs,” Melvin said. He had been up and flying on the first try when Candace was in trouble. Now that she was safe, he didn’t want to risk jumping from the fifty-third floor. That first step might be more than even a superhero could handle.

  Once on the ground floor, he launched himself.

  Crash!

  Splat!

  Thud!

  Kabonk!

  Melvin Beederman was back to his old self. He smiled, glad to be alive, glad to be out in the fresh air once again.

  “Any idea where the McNastys are?” Candace asked when he finally joined her in the air.

  Melvin nodded. “I know exactly how they plan to get away.” He banked right. “Follow me.”

  Candace did.

  They flew past the police station and city hall but didn’t stop to salute.

  “Where are we going?” Candace asked.

  Melvin pointed to a train pulling out of the station. “Have you ever stopped a speeding train, Candace?”

  17

  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES

  “Are you sure they’re on board?” Candace asked. She looked down at a train heading east out of Los Angeles.

  “Yes, I’m sure.” Superhero Carl had blabbed everything about Melvin to the world. Tall buildings, bologna, trains. Filthy McNasty had said so. “They’ll be leaving by train. No question about it. Use your x-ray vision. I know they’re on there somewhere.”

  By now the train was speeding down the track. The two superheroes stayed with it. They flew overhead, scanning for the McNasty Brothers. Those notorious bank robbers and all-around bad guys.

  Then …

  “What is that nasty smell?” Candace asked.

  “You mean that McNasty smell,” Melvin said. He pointed to the middle car of the train. With their x-ray vision they saw through the metal roof. “There they are! Time to go to work, partner.”

  Filthy McNasty and his brother had on dark sunglasses and fake mustaches, but Melvin would know them anywhere.

  “Right, partner.” Candace had never in her life stopped a speeding train. She could slam-dunk, though. And she could run the hundred-yard dash in three and a half seconds.

  Melvin had stopped a few trains, but it was never easy. His classmates at the academy had always laughed at him, especially Carl.

  But now the whole city of Los Angeles was counting on him. He had to leave his past behind. He had to believe in himself.

  “Follow me,” he said.

  Melvin and Candace zoomed to the front of the train. Then they dropped to the tracks and grabbed hold of the lead engine. Melvin placed his feet on one track, Candace put hers on the other. They leaned and pushed.

  The train kept going.

  “Push!” Melvin grunted. He looked behind him. The train was headed for a tunnel. They had to stop it before it got there. Once in the dark, the McNasty Brothers could get away. “Push!”

  The two superheroes pushed against the train with all their might. Their feet smoked as they slid along the tracks. The tunnel was coming up. “Push!”

  At last the train slowed. Finally it came to a stop.

  Melvin slapped Candace a high-five. “Now that’s what I call teamwork!”

  But their job was not over.

  Filthy McNasty and his brother, Grunge, jumped out the window of the middle car and ran, dragging their loot with them. Not money—loot.

  “Stay here, Candace,” Melvin said. “I’ll get them. I used to be fast as a speeding bullet.”

  Melvin needed to do this alone. He had to find out if he could. He could fly again, but could he run? Hadn’t he lost in a race to a bunch of junior high kids?

  He took off after the McNasty Brothers, arms and legs pumping hard.

  Yep. Fast as a speeding bullet. Maybe faster.

  “Stop right there,” he said, grabbing Filthy and Grunge by the collars.

  “How’d you get away?” Grunge yelled. “How’d you get away from that bologna sandwich?”

  Melvin smiled. “Noggin power. My most powerful weapon.”

  18

  NEVER BREAK UP A GOOD TEAM

  The mayor gave a huge party for Melvin and Candace. After all, Los Angeles had not had a superhero since you-know-who retired. And now they had two, a superhero team. Best of all, the McNasty Brothers, those notorious bank robbers and all-around bad guys, were back in prison.

  Melvin and Candace shook hands with the mayor and the chief of police. They had their pictures taken with a Girl Scout troop, and they signed lots of autographs.

  Mostly they nibbled on pretzels and sipped root beer. This was Candace’s favorite snack, too. She could not stand math, but at least she knew how to eat.

  “You’re the second-best superhero I’ve ever seen,” Melvin told her.

  “I really liked stopping that train,” she said. “And jumping out of a tall building was way cool.”

  Melvin had to admit his superhero life was getting better and better. He’d gotten off the ground in one try. And now he was no longer alone. He had a partner—Candace Brinkwater, his superhero assistant.

  He looked at all the smiling faces at the party. Then he saw someone he had not seen in a while: Headmaster Spinner, from the academy, who walked up to Melvin and shook his hand.

  “Well done, Melvin.”

  “Thanks,” Melvin said. “Did you hear about Superhero Carl?”

  “Yes, and I’ve taken care of him and his Web site. That’s why I’m here. I told you if you did well here, you could have your pick of assignments. It seems we h
ave an opening in Fiji.”

  Melvin looked at Candace, then back to Headmaster Spinner.

  “Think about it, Melvin,” Headmaster Spinner said. “Sunshine, coral reefs…”

  “Thanks,” Melvin said, “but I’m part of a team now. Headmaster Spinner, meet Candace Brinkwater, my partner in uncrime.”

  Candace shook the headmaster’s hand.

  “This town needs us,” Melvin went on. But deep down he knew it was more than that. Los Angeles was more than his workplace. It was his home.

  * * *

  Later, Melvin left the party and flew back to his tree house. It had been a busy day. The McNasty Brothers were in prison once more, Melvin and his new assistant had escaped death, and now that it was over, he was tired–happy but tired. He knew he had to rest up for book number two.

  Melvin munched pretzels and sipped root beer as he looked out over the lights of Los Angeles. Somewhere out there, trouble was brewing. He could feel it.

  THE GOOD GUYS

  MELVIN BEEDERMAN

  Superhero

  * Graduated from the Superhero Academy

  * Lives by the Superhero’s Code

  * Minor weaknesses: Doesn’t always get off the ground in one try; has trouble stopping trains; sees everyone’s underwear

  * Major weakness: Bologna

  CANDACE BRINKWATER

  Assistant Superhero

  * Didn’t graduate from the Superhero Academy

  * Doesn’t know the Superhero’s Code

  * Minor weaknesses: Math; has to be home by dinnertime

  * Major weakness: Bologna

  THE BAD GUYS

  GRUNGE MCNASTY

  Notorious Bank Robber and All-Around Bad Guy

  * Leader of the McNasty Brothers

  * What he loves: Loot (not money—loot)

  * What he hates: Melvin Beederman

  * Smells bad

  FILTHY MCNASTY

  Notorious Bank Robber and All-Around Bad Guy

  * What he loves: Loot (not money—loot)