The Brotherhood of the Traveling Underpants Read online

  “Holy sitting duck,” Goofball said, adding his evil laugh. “This is going to be easy.”

  Holy sitting duck, indeed! But the narrator can’t say if it’s going to be easy or not. That would give away the story.

  They waited in the bushes outside the academy until late into the night, when the lights were out and all was quiet inside. Then they headed in to get Melvin.

  “Time to make our move, boys,” Goofball said.

  “Don’t mind if I do,” Max said. “Let’s make like some bad guys and kidnap a future superhero.”

  “Yes, let’s,” Calamity added.

  11

  CALAMITY HAS NOGGIN POWER … ALMOST

  They worked their way around the Superhero Academy, checking doors and windows.

  “What if there’s an alarm system?” Max asked.

  Goofball shook his head. “There won’t be. Who, in their right mind, would break in to a place full of superheroes?”

  “Good point,” Max said. They continued around the building, but there were no unlocked doors or windows. “What do we do now?”

  Goofball stepped back and looked up. He pointed to a window on the second floor. “Is that an open window, or am I seeing things?”

  “Looks open, but how to get to it?” Max said.

  “Drainpipe?” Calamity suggested.

  Goofball and Max turned to him. Two ideas in one day? That had to be some kind of record for Calamity Wayne. There was a drainpipe running from the top of the building to the ground. It was right by the window. It might work.

  “Okay, Calamity. You had the idea—you climb,” Goofball said. It was so wonderful to be the boss.

  Calamity Wayne’s mouth dropped open. “Me? I drive the getaway vehicle.”

  “And I’m the muscle,” Max added.

  “Well, I’m the brains,” Goofball said. “And this brain says you climb. Before the sun rises would be a good idea. Now get going, Calamity.”

  Calamity thought he might stop coming up with ideas if this was how it was going to be. He started up the drainpipe. When he was through the window, he looked down. “Now what?”

  “Go downstairs and open the door. And be quiet!”

  Goofball and Max went around to the front entrance. A short time later, Calamity met them there and opened the door.

  “Now to find Melvin Beederman,” Goofball said, holding a finger to his lips. They had to be quiet. The place was full of superheroes with superhearing, among other things. “That reminds me. Does anyone have on clean underwear?”

  “Never,” said Max.

  “That’s against the rules,” said Calamity. It was an old trick—gross out the superheroes so that they can’t do their job. It could work … you never knew.

  They moved silently down the hall, checking doors. The first floor had classrooms, teachers’ offices, and a cafeteria. After making the rounds, they found a staircase and went up.

  “How are we going to find him?” Max whispered.

  “Look for the hair,” Goofball replied. “No one else has hair like Melvin Beederman.”

  It was true. Melvin’s hair was unique. He could be spotted a mile away. But little did they know that Melvin slept with his head beneath the covers.

  * * *

  While the bad guys were at the academy looking for the younger Melvin, the older version was racing along with his sidekick, getting closer and closer to Boston and the Superhero Academy.

  Were they already too late? Would they get there in time to save the day? The narrator isn’t saying.

  Don’t you hate that?

  12

  MELVIN’S UNCLE WHO?

  You may be asking yourself why, with all the extra-sensitive hearing at the academy, no one was popping up, saying “Not so fast” or some other superhero lingo. The answer is that superheroes don’t sleep with their capes on. The ones at the academy didn’t, anyway. No cape, no sensitive hearing. It was as simple as that.

  Wait a minute. Was that simple?

  The three bad guys crept down the hall of the second floor. This was indeed where the students slept. They checked every room until they found a kid with a J hairdo. This was Superhero James, of course. On the other side of the room slept Melvin Beederman.

  Goofball and his companions didn’t know this. They just saw a lump under the covers. Goofball pulled the blanket back, and there he was—the younger, uncaped version of Melvin Beederman.

  Max grabbed him by the ankle and lifted him. He tried to cover Melvin’s mouth with his other hand, but not before Melvin yelped. This woke up James, who looked like he was on the verge of yelping himself. Max quickly tossed Melvin over to Goofball and Calamity, who gagged him, then he went after James.

  But James was no match for the thick-necked Max. One swat and James was out cold.

  “Let’s go before anyone wakes up,” Goofball said.

  They hurried down the hall with the now bound-and-gagged Melvin. Then they shot down the stairs and out the front door. You should have seen three bad guys and a future superhero make their getaway on a single bike.

  In fact, Mr. Illustrator, you’re on!

  * * *

  The sun was just coming up when Melvin and Candace arrived at the Superhero Academy. The front door was wide open. “Not a good sign,” Melvin said.

  They raced inside and up the stairs to Melvin’s former bedroom. James still lay unconscious on the floor. A few slaps brought him to. “James, what happened?”

  “Melvin, you’re okay. How’d you get away? How’d you— Hey, where’d you get the cape?”

  This wasn’t going to be easy to explain. Should Melvin tell him that he was from the future and had come back to save his younger self? After some thought, he decided that would take too long.

  “I’m Melvin’s uncle … uh … Fred.”

  “Melvin has an uncle? Hmm. Well, you look like him, that’s for sure. You look exactly like him.” James stared at Melvin. Everything about him was the same. The hair. The freckles. The buckteeth.

  “Yep, that’s me. Uncle Fred. Where’s Melvin?”

  “There were three of them,” James said. “One of them had an enormous neck and an even bigger fist.” He touched his head lightly where it still hurt. “One punch is all it took.”

  Melvin and Candace exchanged looks. “Max the Wonder Thug,” they said together. They’d know that oversized neck and fist anywhere.

  “Which way did they go?” Melvin asked.

  James shook his head. “Beats me. I was unconscious, remember?”

  “Do you have a Lair Hill in town, by any chance?” Candace asked.

  “No, but we have a Sinister Street, which is right next to Devious Drive,” James said. “Will that work?”

  “Lead the way,” Melvin said.

  James, Melvin, and Candace left the building. The question was: Were they already too late?

  13

  MELVIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

  Of course, you already know that Melvin has left the building. It’s how the last chapter ended, but the narrator just wanted to name this chapter that for some reason. It’s a narrator thing.

  “Up, up, and away.”

  Once outside the two superheroes launched themselves. At least Candace did. While she was waiting for Melvin to join her in the air, she didn’t do her nails or juggle tangerines. This was because she was carrying James, who didn’t have his cape yet and couldn’t fly.

  Crash!

  Splat!

  Thud!

  Kabonk!

  James had never seen a superhero have so much trouble getting up in the air. The Melvin he knew had not yet received his cape. James looked at Candace for some kind of explanation.

  “Don’t ask,” she said.

  And so James didn’t. He pointed out the way to Sinister Street and Devious Drive. “It’s over there, next to Ruffian Road and Bad Guy Boulevard.”

  * * *

  “We need bologna,” Goofball said. They had been running most of the nig
ht to get as far away from the academy as possible. Sure, the students slept with their capes off, but you never knew. Besides, that many superheroes in one place had to be a bad thing. At least it was if you were a bad guy. And Goofball and Company were.

  Max licked his lips and looked across the street at Priscilla’s Pancake Heaven. “I’d prefer pancakes.” He had the young Melvin slung over his shoulders. If Melvin hadn’t been gagged he would have licked his lips, too. Priscilla made the best pancakes on the East Coast.

  “Not for us. We need the bologna in case the other Melvin shows up. The superhero version, I mean. Bologna is his weakness.”

  Calamity shook his head. “Melvin is history. I dusted him and his little sidekick with bug spray. They fell on a pair of cactus and got eaten by alligators.”

  “Yeah,” Goofball said, “but what about the narrator? It would be like him to bring Melvin back. And you watch, it will be just in the nick of time or something.”

  It was too distressing to argue about. It was as though the narrator wanted the main character to win. Bologna was what they needed, Goofball decided. Just in case the other Melvin Beederman came back—not to mention Candace Brinkwater.

  They found an open butcher shop on East Ruffian. Goofball went inside, banged his fist on the counter, and said, “Bologna! And give it to me on dirty paper!”

  14

  MARGARET TAKES THE CAPE

  Now, armed with a good supply of bologna, Goofball, Max, and Calamity set about doing away with the young Melvin Beederman. But how to do it? That was the question. And where? Sometimes the where was as important as the how. They already knew the who and the why. And the what was in there someplace. Sometimes what got lost in the shuffle. How and where got most of the attention, which could be very annoying if you were a what.

  Wow, this is getting confusing. But back to our story.

  “We need to get out of sight,” Goofball said. “The sun is coming up. There can’t be any witnesses.” This was part of the Bad Guy’s Code: Do your sinister and devious deeds in secret so you don’t get caught.

  The trio was down by the waterfront, and the sky was getting lighter by the minute. Max pointed to what looked like an abandoned building on a pier over the water.

  “Perfect,” Goofball said. Unfortunately, the place was locked. But they did not call Max the muscle for nothing. “Max, break it down.”

  Max had broken down many doors in his life, but making a doorway where none existed sounded like even more fun. And so with his mighty fist, he did. One punch and it was complete. He dragged the young, uncaped Melvin inside.

  * * *

  The sun was indeed coming up. This meant that not only was most of Boston waking up, but most of the students at the academy were also. And Melvin and James’s best friend, Margaret, was the earliest riser of them all. It didn’t take her long to figure out that her two pals were missing. She came to their room every morning so that they could walk to breakfast together.

  But today they were not there. She checked the lump of blankets on Melvin’s bed. Nothing. She ran down the hall to see if they’d gone on ahead of her. They hadn’t. They were simply missing.

  “Holy mystery!” she said to herself. “I smell a rat.”

  Holy mystery, indeed! Actually she didn’t smell anything. She was a first-year student and hadn’t received her cape yet. Without a cape, she didn’t have an extra-sensitive nose. She didn’t have extra-sensitive hearing. And, of course, she couldn’t fly. They received flight instruction starting in the first year, but it was all done in flight simulators. Still, Margaret knew something was wrong; her two friends were in trouble. She could feel it—even if she couldn’t quite smell it.

  She knew she needed all the powers of a superhero to find her friends. She needed a cape. Wasn’t there a second-year student who owed her a favor? Hadn’t she and Melvin helped someone with math? She stood in the hallway and thought about this.

  Nope. She hadn’t helped anyone. No one owed her a favor. She’d have to steal a cape to find Melvin and James, which had to be against the Superhero’s Code. But Melvin and James were in trouble and sometimes you just had to break the rules, didn’t you? Just ask the narrator about that. And so she ran to the boys’ shower room, covered her eyes, and poked around for the first thing that felt like a cape, grabbed it, and ran out again.

  “Up, up, and away!” She was a natural. She flew down the hall and out an open window.

  “Melvin and James, where are you?” she called. Then she cupped an ear and listened with her extra-sensitive hearing for their response.

  15

  THE HOLE-IN-THE-WALL GANG

  “That’s Margaret!” the caped Melvin said.

  “What?” James said.

  “Margaret is calling for us … uh … I mean, you and Melvin. At least she sounds like someone who might be named Margaret.”

  “Wow, you have great hearing.”

  “It’s the cape. Standard academy issue,” Melvin said. “I graduated in the year two blah blah blah.”

  “Blah blah blah?”

  “Yes, it’s a secret. I don’t want to date this book. So who’s Margaret?”

  “She’s Melvin’s and my best friend. She must have realized we’re missing.”

  Melvin nodded. “That can’t be helped now. There was no time to leave a note for her.”

  They were flying over East Ruffian. Candace pointed to a butcher shop. “Stay clear of that place,” she said. “Where there’s meat, there’s bologna.”

  They did. They’d already been knocked out of the sky by bug spray; they didn’t need to be done in by lunch meat. It had happened before, and it wasn’t enjoyable in the least.

  They searched and searched. First down Bad Guy Boulevard. Then up Devious Drive. They even poked around Wicked Way.

  “Better try the waterfront,” James said. “Lots of abandoned warehouses down there. It’s evil lair city, if you know what I mean.”

  Candace did. So did Melvin.

  * * *

  While Melvin, Candace, and James were busy looking for the bad guys, Goofball and Company were getting ready to dispose of the younger Melvin—the uncaped version. They looked around the abandoned building on the pier. It wasn’t a warehouse. It was just an unoccupied building full of dusty medicine balls and rusty barbells. It was the former location of Fast Freddy’s Fitness Center and Fishing Supplies.

  “Barbells,” Goofball said. “I have an idea, boys.” He turned to Max. “Make a hole in the floor, Max.”

  Max punched the floor. “Done.”

  Goofball looked through the newly created hole at the water below. “Now, tie Melvin to one of the barbells, the heaviest one.”

  “Using what?” Max scanned the floor.

  “Ungag him and use that,” Goofball said.

  They ungagged Melvin and that’s when he screamed. “Help! Margaret! James! Help!”

  * * *

  “Help!”

  Margaret knew the sound of Melvin’s voice when she heard it. She was just passing over a butcher shop on East Ruffian and veered toward the waterfront, where the sound seemed to be coming from.

  But she was not the only one who heard it.

  * * *

  “That’s me screaming!” the caped Melvin said. “Uh … I mean, that’s Melvin.” He and Candace, who was still holding James, sped toward the sound of the screaming. If only they could get there in the nick of time!

  16

  THE HOLE-IN-THE-FLOOR GANG?

  “Shut him up,” Goofball said as Calamity and Max tied Melvin to the barbell.

  Max made a fist, and that’s all it took for Melvin to stop screaming. He’d seen the thug use that fist on James. He did not want the same to happen to him.

  “Okay, he’s tied,” Calamity said. “Now what?”

  “Drop him through that hole and our superhero problems will be over.”

  “You mean we can make like a tree and leave?” Max asked.

  “We can
make like bad guys and start robbing banks again.” Goofball pointed to the hole in the floor. “Toss him in and let’s get out of—”

  “Not so fast!” Melvin, Candace, and James appeared suddenly. It was Melvin’s turn to kick in the door, but when they saw the hole in the wall created by Max’s fist, they went through that instead.

  Melvin moved forward. “Untie me … uh … I mean, untie the boy.”

  Goofball smiled. “Are you forgetting something?” He tossed a huge slab of bologna that landed at Melvin’s feet.

  Melvin instantly felt weak. The room began to spin. Then he fell to his knees. “Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here,” he gasped.

  A second later Candace was on the ground beside him. “Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here.”

  James, who had no cape, and therefore had no weaknesses, looked confused. “What’s with the ‘can’t move’ stuff?”

  Goofball put his head back and laughed—his evil laugh, his award-winning evil laugh. He turned to his friends. “Max, Calamity, tie them all up. Tie them all to the barbell and drop them in the hole. Use your shoelaces if you have to.”

  Max and Calamity rushed across the room and grabbed Melvin, Candace, and James. This was not difficult, since Superhero Melvin and Superhero Candace had lost their strength, and James was just a boy with no superpowers at all.

  “Tie them up,” Goofball said again.

  Crash! The door to the building tore from its hinges and landed in a cloud of dust on the floor. In popped the caped Margaret. “Not so fast!” Then she looked at the door she’d just kicked down and said, “I loved doing that!”

  She moved forward and scanned the faces in the room—Goofball McCluskey, Max the Wonder Thug, Calamity Wayne.